That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
