no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
