I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
