My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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