I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Small penises have feelings too.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
