FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
