I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
