bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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