i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
