oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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