evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
