I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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