I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I looked at my own cervix.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
