I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
