I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
