Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
