I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
there is glitter all over my balls
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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