I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
