guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
