My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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