I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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