guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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