I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
