dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
