Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
