I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
