I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
