Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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