she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
