you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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