just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
