Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
