i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
