You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
