I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
