I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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