Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize