jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
