A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
