All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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