i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
