Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
