We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
