how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
