and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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