Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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