So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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