Don't make out with my wife yet
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
