How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
