Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
