and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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