Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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