Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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