Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
