before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
