this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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