Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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