Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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