At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
