Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She made me pour olive oil on her.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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