never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize