This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
