I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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