I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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