i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
