I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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