I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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