Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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